I recently read a review on this topic by Kristin Neff (2023) that is highly relevant for coaches, and saw today that the Institute of Coaching have also featured it in their research dose. So for those of you who are not members of IOC, I will try and capture the essence of what was written. This is of great importance for our self-knowledge as coaches, and for our clients. We all could benefit from understanding and practicing the art of self-compassion! The following quote by the author supports my contention that health and wellness coaches are well placed to understand this concept.
“Self-compassion simply requires taking the skills learned over the years of being compassionate to others and doing a U-turn.”
What is it?
Self-compassion refers to treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and care that you would offer to a friend. It involves being gentle with yourself during times of failure, suffering, or when facing personal inadequacies.
Neff describes a continuum with self-compassion on one end and self-judgment on the other and further breaks down these two areas into three components.
| Self Compassion | Self-Judgment |
| – Self-kindness –A sense of belonging and being part of common humanity –Mindfulness |
– Self-criticism –Isolation –Over-identifying with our painful thoughts and feelings or suppressing themselves |
Let’s expand on the above.
- Self-kindness vs self-criticism
As coaches we are very good at supporting others with words of warmth and understanding when they are experiencing life challenges. We show we care often with gestures as well as words. When it comes to our own experiences, we are often harsher and unkinder, saying judgmental things that we would never say to others! Self-compassion enables us to take a more supportive attitude rather than condemning ourselves coldly. We can acknowledge our weakness and yet still care for ourselves.
2. A sense of belonging and being part of human experience vs isolation
This sense of common humanity which is part of self-compassion allows us to feel connected to others. When we experience failure we have a tendency to think that we are the only ones who make mistakes and everyone else is doing fine. This increases the sense of loneliness and in turn our suffering. Staying in touch with our humanity helps us recognise that everyone suffers at times – it is part of being human. Human experience is imperfect. When we remember this we feel less isolated and alone.
3. Mindfulness vs over-identification
Mindfulness is a way of acknowledging our pain, rather than suppressing those feelings which allows us to have a balanced awareness of what we are experiencing. We neither avoid or exaggerate our discomfort but instead use mindfulness to help us recognise that thoughts and feelings are just that – thoughts and feelings – not permanent reality.
How can we measure self-compassion?
Neff created a theoretical model and tool that could measure self-compassion called the Self-Compassion Scale or SCS. Subscales created by Neff use the six components above to measure self-compassion based on self-reported data. There are others but this is the most widely-used instrument.t
Some common mistakes about self-compassion
Neff defends self-compassion against the idea that it is weak and claims that the tenderness and caring we show ourselves is combined with a fierceness that can actually assist us to take action to defend ourselves. We are then on our own side as an ally, instead of being our own enemy and this can boost resilience when faced with diverse challenges.
Self-compassion is not a form of self-indulgence but instead encourages choices that will be good for us in the long run. The following quote again supports the importance of helping our clients practice self-compassion.
“When people care about themselves, they will care for themselves and this leads to greater health.”
Research shows that carers who are self-compassionate fare better. Other research shows that self-compassion helps people be less afraid of failure and more motivated to make change for reasons such as self-growth, rather than external approval.
How can we improve our self-compassion?
Improving self-compassion can be achieved through various practices and interventions. The two main interventions are compassion-based therapy and mindful self-compassion. For clinical populations, therapeutic Interventions such as Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) or Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) training may be appropriate and effective at treating eating disorders, social anxiety, persistant pain and schizophrenia.
Health and wellness coaching can work with non-clinical populations. The following can all be used as appropriate tools in our coaching toolbox
- Mindfulness Meditation: Practices that promote mindfulness can help individuals observe their thoughts and feelings without judgment.
- Self-Compassion Exercises: Writing a compassionate letter to oneself or practicing self-compassionate self-talk can foster a kinder internal dialogue.
- Developing a Self-Compassionate Attitude: Reframing negative self-talk and being as compassionate toward oneself as one would be to a friend in the same situation.
- Gratitude Practices: Regularly acknowledging and appreciating positive aspects of oneself and one’s life can enhance overall well-being and self-compassion.
By integrating these practices into our coaching practice, we can support individuals to cultivate a more compassionate relationship with themselves, leading to greater emotional resilience and overall well-being.
References:
Neff, K. D. (2023). Self-compassion: Theory, method, research, and intervention. Annual review of psychology, 74(1), 193-218.
Institute of Coaching IOC Research Dose, June 2024.
