We live in worrying times. Life is very complex and it is easy to feel overwhelmed and responsible for many things that are not going so well. We worry about our adult children. We become frustrated with colleagues. We wish our partner would communicate differently. We lose sleep over world events, workplace politics and other people’s choices.
Yet much of our emotional exhaustion comes from investing energy in things we simply cannot control.
Does any of this sound familiar to you?
Mel Robbins’ recent book Let Them has resonated with millions because it reminds us of a surprisingly liberating truth – people are free to make their own choices. We may not like those choices, but we cannot make them for them. Yet many of us spend an extraordinary amount of emotional energy trying. We worry about what others are doing, replay conversations in our minds, offer advice that goes unheeded or hope that, somehow, someone else will change. While these reactions come from a place of care and good intention, they can also leave us feeling frustrated, powerless and emotionally exhausted. Sometimes the greatest act of self-care is recognising where our responsibility ends and another person’s begins.
As social researcher Hugh Mackay often reminds us, we cannot fix everyone or solve every problem. What we can do is decide how we respond, how we listen, how we treat people and where we choose to direct our attention. This shift in perspective does not mean becoming indifferent or giving up on others. Rather, it encourages us to focus our energy where it can have the greatest impact. By letting go of the need to control what lies beyond our influence, we create more space for compassion, thoughtful action and the things that genuinely support our own wellbeing.
Many people believe coaching is about giving advice.
It isn’t.
A coach helps someone distinguish between:
Things I cannot control
- other people’s behaviour
- other people’s opinions
- the past
- organisational politics
- unexpected life events
Things I can influence
- my response
- my habits
- my communication
- my priorities
- my wellbeing
- my mindset
- the boundaries I choose to set
That distinction alone can reduce enormous stress.
Ask yourself: What am I spending energy worrying about?
Then divide the list into two columns.
Outside my control
- What others think
- My colleague’s attitude
- My adult child’s decisions
- The economy
- Yesterday’s mistakes
Within my influence
- My response
- How I communicate
- What I prioritise today
- My health habits
- Asking for help
- Setting boundaries
The question becomes:
Which column deserves most of my attention?
Trying to control the uncontrollable often creates:
- anxiety
- frustration
- resentment
- helplessness
- emotional exhaustion
Recognising what is within our influence often creates:
- confidence
- calm
- resilience
- acceptance
- purposeful action
A coaching example
A coaching client arrived anxious at the pressure she places on herself to help her adult children live healthier lives . Every session began with what they were doing wrong. Over time, the conversation shifted from changing her loved ones behaviours to recognising what lay within her own influence—how she communicated, the boundaries she set, the conversations she chose to have and the values she wanted to embody. Interestingly, as her behaviour changed, many of her relationships improved, even though she never changed the people around her.
One of the strengths of health and wellness coaching is helping people notice where they are directing their energy. Through thoughtful questioning and reflection, clients often discover they have more influence over their wellbeing than they first imagined—not because life has changed, but because they have.
We may never be able to control what life brings us or how others behave. But every day we have the opportunity to choose how we respond. That choice may be smaller than we would like, but it is also far more powerful than we often realise.
So in summary, ask your clients three coaching questions:
- What can’t you change?
- What can you influence?
- What’s one small action you can take today?
Those three questions capture the essence of coaching. They move people from rumination to action and demonstrate the coaching mindset. In a world that often feels uncertain and overwhelming, helping people rediscover their sense of agency may be one of the greatest gifts a coach can offer.
References:
Mel Robbins (2026), Let Them
Hugh MacKay (2024), The Way we Are
